Today is December 31, 2014. We are on the very last page of the year, and tomorrow we start a new book that is 2015. Today I've been taking time to look back on this past year and several things stuck out to me about what I have done and what I have learned.
- I learned what it means to be "in one's element".
- I learned about my tendency toward jealousy.
I went to a camp in the summer where God really worked in my heart. However, during that time I had to battle jealousy that threatened one of my dearest friendships. It's a long story, but let's just say there was a boy who was very kind to both my friend and I, which we later realized was simply because he liked my friend. I was hurt, honestly, and I was very jealous. God also had me deal with that, and I apologized to my friend for my actions and attitudes, which she was amazing about because she's a wonderful, understanding person. Earlier on in the year, I struggled with jealousy which set a prejudice against an acquaintance of mine to the point of making me slightly hostile towards her, which she did not deserve at all. This year has proven that I am an extremely jealous person.
- I learned the reason behind my jealousy.
In all honesty, the two situations mentioned above were strikingly similar. Both involved boys. At first, I thought that I was simply desperate for love, but only today have I seen the underlying reason. It's my self-esteem. I automatically jump to the conclusion, if I feel rejected, that it is because I am not good enough and that someone else is better than me. I used to think it was harmless, but this past year it has caused hostility toward an innocent acquaintance, and me to harbor bad feelings against a friend. It was certainly not victimless. My self-esteem problems drove a rift between me and others, which I will not allow. I hope to learn to love myself better in the future, and thus prevent anyone else from being hurt.
- I did things this year I did not believe possible.
This was the year of impossible things for me. I stretched myself beyond what I thought was possible for me and with good results. Some were little things. I had my first dance. Some were big things. I finished not one, but two novel drafts.
- I faced my fears this year.
I faced heights, crowds, strangers, rivers, angry friends, and most of all myself. Thanks to God, I overcame, just like He promised.
At the end of the year, I like to look back and draw a bottom line. I look at what I've done and what I've learned and I wait for a sentence to come to mind. One little, perfect sentence to sum up the past year of my life, something I can think of and remember.
This year, as I thought, only one sentence came to mind.
This year, I was very, very brave.
As I look back and think about those words, I am almost proud of myself. Brave is never a word I would use to describe myself, but when I think of this year it's the only word that fits. I was brave. I am brave. I faced the unknown and I fought well.
I'm very nearly proud. Of course I failed this year. Of course there are things I should have done that I didn't, or things I did that I shouldn't have. There are always those things, and I aim to do better in 2015.
As far as 2014 goes, I was brave.