The Sound of Doubt (Won't Give Up On A Dream)

Memo, Nine Lashes

If I could take what I so believe in

Draping its hand in front of me with it all

And I'm ever reaching

Straight from this heart in me

It's the tallest I've ever seen it

Strange in this place of little dreams

Like a wall in my sure to be things

Standing in spite of me

It's all I ever wanted

And I won't give up on a dream

It's all or nothing

The sound of doubt I'll never need

It's all or nothing

It happens to the best of us.

We all want to give up.

You get about halfway in and all of the sudden it's just too hard.

All the odds are against you and you know it.

You seriously consider giving up.

It's easier, isn't it? 

Forget this book. I'm a horrible writer and Ill never make it anyway. Forget this blog; no one reads it anyway. Forget this whole 'sport' thing. I'm not as good as everyone else. Forget this drawing, I suck. I'm never writing another song again. It's a waste of time. Forget being an actor; I'm too fat and I'm not even pretty. Forget trying to have an adventure. It's the corner-office job for me, to be sure.

If you think you've never said any of those things, you're either lying or way stronger than most.

Even on the things we love most in this world, was want to give up. That's just the way we are. When things get hard we'd rather forget it and carry on with our lives.

I think I should give up writing sometimes.

It happens.

I'm halfway through a horrible first draft of a fantasy novel that is so far only clocking in at 10,000 words.

Versus the 80,000 words average for that same genre.

It's discouraging.

And we all get discouraged.

You've just got to decide if it's worth it. What would your life be like without that thing you want to give up? Without your music? Without acting, cheerleading, drawing, soccer, softball, writing, graphic design, whatever is it you do?

Now look at your dream. If things came out like you wanted them to, if your dream really did come to pass, what would your life be like? What could your life be like?

Exciting, isn't it?

So don't give up. Not just on a spur of the moment, 'I'm so done with this' whim. If you feel you should move on, do so.

But moving on is not giving up. 

Never, ever, ever give up.

Because you never know what you might be giving up on.

The Cost

People are so strange.
They walk into our lives and we have no idea who they might be or what impact they may leave.
They are such adventures.
Because you never know.
You never know who they are or what their story might be.
You never know the adventures they may hold for you, the experiences they'll have with you.
And the only way to know is to live and find out.
They are so brilliant.
All walking, running, living their lives.
Growing and learning and making mistakes; always changing.
And sometimes you get the privilege of running with them. To see them, know them, love them. To discover their mysteries, all while they discover yours.
All the same.
The thrill of meeting and learning and loving does not come without cost.
Always there is a price.
The more you know them, the more you let yourself care, the more chances there are to be hurt. Maybe it's an idle word. Maybe it's a bad day.
Maybe they leave, or you have to leave them.
It's a price we all have to pay.
And I find it is well worth it.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." - Proverbs 27:17

When the Weak Outrun the Strong

Now, this goes to follow with the story of David I just posted.
There's a verse in the Bible that I really think about a lot.
"But God chose the foolish things of this world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of this world to shame the strong." - 1 Corinthians 1:27
A boy with a slingshot.
That's a foolish thing, I'd say.
A whole army of strong, grown men. And not a single one of them will attempt to fight. Not even the great King Saul, the king Israel begged to have. They hide; they cower from this giant.
Then comes a shepherd. With a slingshot. Apparently intent on suicide.
Yet he faces the giant when all the "strong" ones wouldn't.
And guess what?
He wins.

We have giants in our lives, in our worlds. We have things that terrify us. That comes out every single day to taunt us. "You can't beat me," it says. "You're weak. You're foolish. You can't do this."
And they're loud. They don't ever leave us alone.
We are terrified.
We cower and we shake and we run to hide.
Maybe it's something you want to tackle that's so much bigger than you. Maybe it's a lost friend. Maybe it's hunger in your city. Maybe it's abandoned children.
Those giants. The ones that are just so big that you feel there's no hope of ever making a difference.
So you hide. Or you put it off. "Let someone else try," you say. "I'm weak and I'm foolish."
Listen to me here.
Do you know why God uses the weak and the foolish?

If He used the strong, the watching world would say they overcame by their strength. If He used the wise, the watching world would say they overcame by their wisdom. When God uses the foolish and the weak, the watching world stands amazed.
Do you see it now?
There's a world watching. They can see our giants as clear as we can.
When a weak person stands up and takes their sling against a giant. people notice.
"What is that idiot doing?" they ask. "Don't they know who they are?"
They sing a different tune when the giant falls.
"How did he do that?" "Didn't she know that was impossible?"
This brings glory to God.
This is glorifying God, my friends.

Don't fear your giants.
Because, you never know.
Maybe yours is the stone that brings the giant down.
Maybe yours is the start of a volley to follow.
When we stand up, the watching world stands amazed.

Can't you see them now?
All those shaking warriors with jaws dropped, watching as an army of the weak, poor, and broken suddenly turns from lambs to lions.
This is when they see who leads us.
This is when they see our Christ.

Choose your stones. Load your sling. Know who stands beside you. Know the power that is in you. Know it is not from you, but from God.
Do not fear.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31

The Story of the Shepherd King

I was recently blessed with the opportunity to attend a Casting Crowns concert in my area (they're a great band; one of my favorites). The lead singer, Mark Hall, said some things that really got me to thinking. In his songs Voice of Truth and Dream For You, he talks about everyone's favorite little shepherd boy.
David, son of Jesse.
Now, if you've spent any time in church, especially as a child, you know the story of David. But you know what? Just in case you don't know, I think I'll tell it anyway. It's a really great story.
~~~
David was, as I said before, a shepherd boy. He watched sheep all day. Alone. In a field.
He sat out there, watched His father's sheep, and sang to His God.
Now, in 1 Samuel 16, we see Samuel (the prophet) coming to the house of Jesse, Samuel's father. Samuel's going to anoint Israel a new king, after God had taken his hand away from Saul. Jesse brings out his sons.
Now Samuel sees the first one. He's a good looking, strong fellow. Perhaps this is the king.
"No," God says.
So Jesse shows Samuel six of his other sons. Each time, God says no.
Finally, Jesse goes to get David from the field and brings him before Samuel. David is the youngest.
Samuel sees that he is indeed a fine boy.
"That's the one," God says.
Samuel anoints him.
This is how we meet the future king of Israel.
Now, here's the story we all know.
In 1 Samuel 17, the Israelites, under their king Saul, are at war with the Philistines.
They pitch their tents across from this other army, ready to get down to business and fight.
Except one thing.
They've got a giant.
Goliath was his name, and this guy was huge. Over nine feet tall.
The Israelites weren't feeling so brave anymore.
Now Goliath looks down on all these little men and starts calling out for someone, anyone to challenge him. "Kill me, and the Philistines will be your servants," he says. No more war. Just a straight up fight between a man and a giant.
How many Israelites took this fellow up on his generous offer?
None.
Saul and all his men were terrified.
For forty days this giant challenged the armies of Israel.
Nothing.
The king even started offering rewards to anyone who would get out there and fight this guy.

Finally, we get a taker.
Anyone remember that little shepherd/harp player/future king?
He had come to see his brothers and heard the giant's taunting.
And David gets it. "Are you going to let this man defy the armies of God?"
David's older brother told him off. "You're not big enough, You're not strong enough. You're just a child."
"Can't I even speak?" David replies. So he goes to see the king.

Fast forward.
Look out on the battle plain.
You see a little Israelite boy, no armor, no proper weapons. Just a sling and five stones.
And you see a giant. Big, overwhelming, shouting, with the best armor and weapons he could get.
Look closer at the boy.
Go ahead, look.
You don't see anything?
Let me tell you, the Living God has got his back.
This is a very, very unfair match.
For the giant.
Now, he doesn't know this.
He taunts the boy. "Am I a dog that you come at me with sticks?"
David stands his ground, tightens his grip on his sling, at tells the giant exactly what's going to happen.
The giant comes closer, enraged.
And there goes David, running towards his adversary. He reaches into his bag and pulls out one of the stones. Just like he had done so many times while protecting his father's flock, he loads the sling and whirls it around, letting it fly at the perfect moment.
Look now.
We've got a victorious king and a dead giant.
~~~
Now, there's much more to the story of David than just these two small pieces I've shared with you. There's triumphs and there's failures, but always God is faithful. Truly, God worked something amazing in David's life.
Do you think he ever dreamed it?
Do you think he woke up one morning, thinking "Yup. One day, I'm gonna kill a giant."
"One day I'll be king over all Israel."
"Thousands of years from now people will still be singing my songs."
I don't think he did.
But isn't that the wonder of it?
Our God takes us, when we give our all to Him, and makes us so much more than we could ever dream.
This story isn't about the Shepherd king.
It's about the God of the universe.
It's about God's faithfulness if we will only trust Him.

If At First It's Hard To Read (The Curse of the Frightening First Draft)

Sorry it's been a little while since I've posted anything. I've been rather busy, and completely exhausted. Hopefully I'll get used to the new school schedule soon.
~~~
So, this blog is Confessions of a Teenage Writer.
Well, here's a big confession:
I don't always want to write.
Often I sit down at the computer at the end (or beginning of a day) and know I won't write anything decent. You just have those days sometimes. I feel as though I might as well shut my eyes and randomly hit the keyboard to get the 500 words I require of myself.
Some days all I get written is choppy, struggling, distracted happenings that somehow will hopefully make a scene in some story.
And you know what?
That's okay.

So I keep going. I struggle on through the hard scenes and I push forward. Sometimes I hit places that flow better, maybe even sounding okay on the first draft.
But currently, most of my draft is an absolute disgrace to writing.
And it's frustrating because I know I can do so much better.
Guess what?
I will do so much better.
I've got two or three more drafts to get it right.
Sure, right now it's short. Right now it's missing buildup. Right now it feels like a cat walked across a keyboard and my story was the result.
But that's okay.
I have faith that I can make this story into something beautiful. Even if it's not right now.

I just don't need to give up. Yes I'm busy and yes I'm tired and yes, some days I just want to forget this and start a new story. Oh well.

Creativity is the part of your brain that just wants to play. It is the child inside your mind. It gives you ideas, but it only wants to work on them when it's fun.
Discipline is making creativity grow up and work a little bit.
No, it's not easy.
But it must be learned if you're ever going to finish anything.

Humans Are Funny (The Musings of a Character)

If you have seen my post From The Outside, you have met the character I will be speaking of in this post. I don't know his name, all I know is that he's a boy, probably about sixteen years old.
And that he's fiction.
Well, when I write a character (even in a little piece that I don't really have a reason  for writing), that character is let loose in my imagination. That character is stored there, allowed to roam as the wish. Sometimes characters just won't leave me alone and they get their own story (like Layla).
Others are just there in case I might need them again.
But this boy likes to talk to me.
I was working on painting a bookshelf a few days ago. I was a sight, I'm sure, in my mom's old green t-shirt (about 3 sizes too large), my messy ponytail, and sporting white and black paint all over. I was just painting, having a good time, minding my own business, when this boy spoke up.
"People are funny," he said.
I, knowing it's best not to encourage my characters or they will absolutely demand a story, didn't respond.
"They really are."
"What do you mean?" I couldn't contain my curiosity. I fear my fate will be like that of the proverbial cat.
"They don't realize how beautiful they are just doing what they love."
I stopped mid-brushstroke. Wow. What a random time for a profound thought.
"You all think you have to look a certain way, look like everyone else, paint your face, dress up, and act like you're someone you're not to be accepted. You can't see that you're so much more likeable just doing what you love and not faking it."
"Yes," I agreed. "That is a very strong idea in our culture."
"You're no exception."
Wow. Thank you, fictional character, for calling me out on my insecurity. I needed that.

The more I think, the more I realize his point.
We think we have to be fake to be attractive.
But really, people are so much more beautiful when they're just being themselves. When their guard is down and what is really them just seems to bleed through.
I don't know why we feel like somehow the person we show everyone is somehow more valuable than who we really are.
We're so much more beautiful doing what we love and being real.

From The Outside

Hello everyone!
This is something I wrote quite a while back, inspired by a Tumblr post (of all things). The post (in essence) asked the question, "What if fictional characters feel the same way about us as we do them?"
Well.
How can one leave a question like that unanswered?
~~~
I like to watch them as they move down the streets, in the forest, haunting the buildings with their strange, not-quite-solid forms.
They look like ghosts.
Most people ignore them. They allow their intrusion into our world.
I like them, I think.
Sometimes I see them watching me.
Their eyes wide with wonder and anticipation as I go about my day-to-day tasks.
Sometimes they are reading my story, and I like that.
But I like it even better when they are free. When they wander my world, not bound by the words of the one who created it. When they wander free. I find them more interesting when they do that.
I do not think they can see me, though I can see them. As I watch them walk through stories, sometimes I see them cry. Honest, sad, sweet tears, and I wish I could come to them and tell them that everything was okay in the end.
It is strange to watch them and think how they regard their lives as boring. Their marvelous, beautiful lives; and they seem to think that they can be tossed aside if they wish.
They don't know how I feel about their lives.
They don't know that I too lurk in libraries. I too run my fingers down the spines of books, wondering at what they hold.
It's their stories I read.
It's their stories we all read.
Each one has a different title, different characters, different scenes.
And they're wonderful. Not any one I have ever read was boring. Each of their stories is so amazing, I could lose myself forever in them.
But here I see them walk my world, following stories, sometimes wandering alone. They look at me sometimes. I smile and wave even though they cannot see me.
It's a funny thing, being "fiction".
But I think it must be even stranger to be "real".

Our Image, Our Idol

Image.
Why is image so important to us?
It's not even about who we are, it's about who others think we are.
It's all about showcasing what we want to be seen and hiding what we don't.
Why can't we just be real?
People are flawed and falling apart and that's what is beautiful.
The image you want to protect will become your downfall.
Trust me, I know.
You hide away all your problems and fears, thinking that "This is my issue and I will deal with it", when it's far too big for you to handle.
An image is just a cardboard cutout of ourselves that we hide behind, thinking that it's what people want to see from us.
Be yourself because you never know who might love the person you hide.
Be real with people.
Don't be loud because you think that's what people expect. Don't be quiet if the only reason is that you feel like that's what people want from you.
If they are truly worth it, they will love you for who you are, not who you want them to see.

I find I sometimes even hold this attitude towards God.
"This is my problem. This is something I can deal with. Thanks for offering to help, God, but I've got this."
I place my facade on such an altar that I elevate it above the Lord. It becomes more important to me.
But God is good. He always gently tells me, "No, child. You haven't 'got this'. If you did, you wouldn't need Jesus and you wouldn't need me."
What a fool I am to think I can hide myself away from the One who knows my every thought.
Why do I hide?
Because sometimes I don't think He cares.
But He truly does. He is good, He is gentle, and He is love.
It's only once you're honest with God and honest with yourself that you can be honest with people.
It's hard.
It's hard showing people you're not invincible and that you fall down and you break sometimes.
But not only does it help you, sometimes it helps them.
We all need to be reminded that we are not infallible. And honesty is a beautiful thing.
To me there is almost nothing more beautiful than a person finally finding the strength to be honest. To reveal their faults.
Because our God is big enough to handle our mistakes, our sins. What do we think He was doing on the Cross?

Don't hide yourself from people. Don't hide yourself from God. If you have come to Christ to be saved, in faith, you are perfect. You have the righteousness of Christ. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with who God has made you to be. You sin sometimes, but so do we all. As long as you ask forgiveness and walk with God in the Word, you have no need to idolize your image.
Image is our biggest idol. But guess what?
God is greater.

"Because it's not enough, it's not enough

Just to say that you're okay.

I need your hurt

I need your pain.

It's not love any other way."

An Acraphobe on a Stepladder (Our Basest Fears, Our Biggest Foes)

Phobias.
We've all got them.
Everyone does.

For instance, my daddy. I remember when I was younger asking him several times, "What are you afraid of?"
His response was always the same. "I jumped out of an airplane my first time flying. Nothing scares me anymore."
I would sit there in awe and wonder what it must be like not to be afraid of anything.
As much I love my daddy, I realized what he said was not entirely true.
One night my mom, sister, and I were coming home from our youth group's Christmas party. It was later than we expected to arrive home.
And Daddy was angry. We asked him why, and he simply said he expected us to be home earlier.
He was scared something had happened to us.

We all have our fears.
We all have different fears.
For instance, I'm afraid of heights. But I lack one of the most common fears, which is the fear of public speaking (how much I fear public speaking on a scale of 1 to 10? Probable a negative 3. I love it.).
We've all got our weird little fears that just kind of hang around.
But we've also got big, huge fears, that honestly make us feel like little children again, powerless and afraid.

Fears are funny things. Sometimes no matter how many times we face them, they still hang around.

I believe we were all given fears for a reason.
Sometimes it's to show us what to overcome.
But overall, fears keep us human. They keep us realizing that we are not invincible. They keep our feet on the ground and even protect us.

A Note On Morning People (The World Through The Eyes of an Optimist)

"Because I am always the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams."- The Doctor

So, as the title of this post implies, I will be talking about optimism.

I, like the Doctor, am an optimist.

But what makes a person an optimist? Why am I one? What is it like? 

Let's take it one question at a time.

What Makes An Optimist?

This is actually a really interesting question. Does one simply come out of the womb with a "Hello world! I'm here! Nice to meet you all!" attitude?

I don't believe so.

In my experience, I find optimism is learned.

I had to make an effort to become more optimistic. It's a daily decision, a quiet voice saying "I will look for the good in this day."

It's a choice, when in a hard situation, to say "There is good here."

It's a resolve, when doing something you may or may not like, to have a good time and make sure others do as well.

Optimists are the people who are looking for the good and helping others do the same. Do they always sparkle with energy? No. Everyone gets down sometimes. Are they always really outgoing? No, they're not. Don't confuse "optimistic" with "high energy".

An optimist is a person who decides there is good in every situation and seeks to make it known, who wishes to enjoy it. Who chooses to look forward to things with excitement and not worry about what might go wrong, though they do not do so perfectly. This is what they strive for.

Why Are You An Optimist?

Because it is so much better to be looking for the rainbows than just watching the stormclouds. Because it is so much lighter to dance in the rain instead of worrying about getting wet.

Because we've only got so many breaths and I'd rather smile while I take them.

Because there's a whole lot of ugly in this world and if we're not careful we can miss the beautiful.

Because I want to leave a beautiful legacy behind, a legacy of smiling for and because of Christ.

Because, in Christ, we are conquerors. There is no need to worry. We have a hope that is secure and strong.

Life is fun. Life is beautiful. Life is a gift and I mean to enjoy it and to help others do the same.

What Is It Like To Be An Optimist?

It is simply to live the life you love with a positive outlook on what tomorrow will bring. It's hard sometimes, yes. But it's good. Sometimes people laugh. Sometimes people get annoyed. Sometimes people would like you to quietly disappear for a very long time.

But it's so, so good.

Because sometimes you get to see people smile with you. Sometimes you bring a little bit of happiness into a life that needs it. You can help someone stop thinking about all the blackness and look at the world with a little more color.

It's wonderful.

It's draining and sometimes hard but it is so, so wonderful.

And I would advise you, if you are not an optimist, hang out with some optimistic people. Maybe they'll rub off on you.

Maybe the world's a little more beautiful than you thought.

A Goal

So, I believe it's time to let all of you know about my current "life goal".
I am, as you know, working on a book (more on that to come later).
My goal is to finish the rough draft of that book by Christmas this year.
I did some math, and here's what I came up with.

• The average word count of a Young Adult fantasy novel is 80,000 words.
• I am aiming to write 500 words a day.
• Which gives me 160 days to get to 80,000 words.
• 160 days is a little over 5 months.

So, there's my math.

Currently I am 3,000 words in.

3,000 down. 77,000 to go.

It doesn't sound like much, I know, but I'm praying that if I just keep pushing on I'll be surprised by how much writing I can actually achieve.

Please pray for me! This is a phenomenally hard undertaking, especially for someone who has problems completing projects.

I'll do my best to keep you updated. Soon I may even talk about the plot of my book.

Thank you for reading!