I don't understand why relationships with people are so fragile.
I don't understand why I can't seem to get these things right.
Everything balances on the edge of a knife, it seems.
I try my best to be kind, to be friendly, to be good and honest, but for some reason I cannot get it right.
Then things get complicated and heated, angry words are exchanged and I sin and fall and everything I've ever tried to build just comes crashing to the unforgiving ground.
Sometimes I have hope for myself. Because some of my relationships, my friendships are going well. Yet somehow, there's always a few that I can't get right. Maybe I come back and apologize, but all I am met with is cold silence. I leave the door open, but no one is planning on coming back in. Did I really mean that little to you? Is this my fault?
Some I just cannot handle the pain. It is a vicious cycle of fighting hurting, crying, making up and then just going back to the hurt and crying again. I do not believe it is my fault, but that sounds horrible to say. I am a believer in second chances, but when we got to about the hundredth things started to become impossible. So I said goodbye, and believe me, I plan on coming back... but when I left the door slammed shut behind me. If I am ever to come back, I will be standing in the cold begging for someone to let me in.
Why must I always be on the edge of that knife? All these closed doors, they hurt. They hurt my heart because these are people I loved. People I loved so, so much. Yet somehow I am always losing. How on earth am I to know if it is my wrong or not?
All I know is that I always seem to come up short and end up alone.
I wish I knew what it was I always seem to be doing wrong. Perhaps I am not honest enough? Perhaps I am not sensitive enough? Perhaps I am just a terrible person?
I cannot tell, sometimes.
But I trust that my sins will be revealed to me in time.
So I pray.