Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Past Catches Up To You

It's funny how your past comes back on you, isn't it?
I don't just mean in flashbacks or memories.
Sometimes your past really, truly does come back.
Normally it's people.
People from you past that, suddenly, walk right back into your life.
I'm normally glad to see them, but they always bring memories, and sometimes those are less than pleasant.

When I have my past come back, normally it comes in one huge wave.
Lately, I have had so many people from my past walk back in, bringing the memories with them.
A friend of mine who I didn't know all that well, but changed my life more than almost anyone else.
A friend of mine who I knew last year but haven't heard from since, due to a change in jobs.
The pastor and his family from my old church.
A dear friend of mine who I haven't heard from in two or three years, who pretty much vanished one day never to return (or so I thought).
And lastly, a friend who I, by choice, have pushed away.
The past is heavy, which is why I never choose to dwell in it. Each of these people bring so many memories. So many questions.

It makes me wonder about my life, about who I am.
Am I who I was? How have I changed? Will they still like me?

Am I proud of who I have become?
It's a heavy question, everyone.
The terrible thing is that I don't know the answer.
I don't know if I'm proud of who I have become.
If I went back three years, four years, five years and I met myself, would I be everything I wanted to be?
If I met my six year old self, would she say I am everything she ever wanted to become?
I do not know.
I can't help but feeling like I've let people down. I know I have. It's life; it happens.
Come to think of it, I'm avoiding the question.
It's not "Are they proud of who I have become?"
It's "Am I proud of who I have become?"

In this moment, I think I am.
I have come so far.
I'm still living, which in our world today, is saying something.
I am strong. I have made mistakes, but I do my best to love God and love people like I should.
I am not perfect but I am trying, with God's help, to learn and grow.
So yes. Right now, I am proud of who I have become.